Day Fourteen: Moving In

So moving in day came and my diet changed because of it.  With only a little time to collect and eat food my day was full of snacks and freebies I got from the university.

Day Thirteen: Travelling is Diet Hell

Food Diary

Travelling to my university meant stress, lack of energy, and little access to healthy food meant I ate way more calories than I normally would, resulting in a terrible stomach in the evening.  Maybe that's too many details....  I had some toast with marmite to line my stomach in the morning.  Please don't judge my travel sickness or my marmite love.

So we set off in my dad's car.  My parent's hadn't had anything to eat so we stopped for some very fancy tea (ginger green for me, Russian caravan for my dad) and a very large scone.  It was delicious but not at all healthy.  It was an apricot and almond scone with lots of butter and jam.  It was good.

In the car I had some dried apricots and some travel mints.  Apricots were pretty much the only fruit I had all day.  We stopped again and I had a soy latte with a little brown sugar.

We stopped for the night in a slightly sad British motel equivalent.  For some reason American motels seem so exciting and aesthetically pleasing compared to British ones.  At least the motels I see in films anyway.   I had some fish and chips with peas and tartar sauce.  A fairly reliable meal to have in anywhere in England.  I had some of my Dad's red wine.  Even more useless calories, but I think it did calm my nerves a little.

I roughly counted the calories in my food today and it was well over 2000.  Hopefully my stress and nerves will burn off some of that fat.  It would be even better if I didn't care but that's just not going to happen.  It's normal to be nervous about university obviously, I know that.  But for some reason I think my entire popularity and possible friendships will be decided by my fatness.  Deep in the back of my head I know that isn't true, but I had to remind myself most of the time.

Day Twelve

In my move to London I ran out of time to fill out my food diaries and post them, therefore legitimising my diet attempts.  I also haven't been eating that healthy due to stress and food supplied by the family.  So lets go....

Day Eleven

Is coffee like officially really bad for you? The foods I've been addicted to in my life have been crisps and chocolate, so now that I have cut them out I must be about to get addicted to something else.

Day Ten

Food Diary

As a treat before I left home I went for coffee with mum.  Aren't I a lovely child to let her pay for my food.  I ended up having a huge blueberry scone with butter and jam.  It was delicious but easily 800 calories.

I didn't have anything for lunch as I was still so full.  Just some tea.

For dinner I had some canned soup.  Not amazing but very easy.  I might need to stock up on Baxter's carrot and coriander soup before I leave for university.  I also had some stuffed olives as a posh snack.

Despite consuming loads of sugar and butter today I still had some shortbread and tea in the evening. It's a habit now I suppose.

Day Nine

Food Diary

I had a quick breakfast on the go with a trek bar and a black coffee.

I was also out for lunch so I had some water, a cappuccino, and a blueberry muffin.

For tea  I had some fried onions and tomatoes with the last of my homemade bread.

After that I had some tea and shortbread.

I didn't overeat today but I definitely didn't eat enough fruit or vegetables.  I need to get a lot more nutrients tomorrow.

Day Eight: Nerves

I feel the dread of university coming along.  I've ignored it mostly but now with only three days until I go down to my new city I feel really scared.  I like people and I like drinking but I don't necessarily enjoy drinking with new people.  Not only am I scared about being too weird or too shy I'm now scared about eating too much or drinking in too many calories.  Maybe this wasn't the best time to start a healthy diet.

The best I can do is try my best to be healthy and keep busy before the moving in day comes and I have to remind myself to not hide in my new room forever.

Day Seven: Lazy Day Lovely Skin

One of my original goals when I started eating healthy was to improve my skin and to do that I have to develop a skin routine.  It's only been a week but I think my skin has already improved.  So here are the products I've started using for my spot prone combination skin.  

The product which makes me feel the most mature and in a skincare tutorial is Hyaluronic Acid serum from The Ordinary.  It's super fancy and I swear it's improved my skin and soothed any red areas or spots I have.

My daily wash is from Neutrogena and is really affordable and suitable for sensitive skin.  I also use the Dr Hauschka toner everyday and the tea tree toner weekly.

I've also started using face masks.  They always seemed too messy and unnecessary but since I've started viewing them as a luxury I really love them.  This one is from Nugg and left my skin super soft.

Day Six

Today, I went for a swim and ate quite healthily.  I feel good.

Day Five

I ate too much but I also vomited so.....?

I don't even know if I are too much but it felt like that.  I hate being the kind of person who knows they vomit easily but I know all too well.  Going out is already a difficult thing for me being a relatively shy and slightly anti social person.  Being that person and also being on a diet just genuinely sucks.  I worry about overeating as well as talking to people.  This time I was fine until I started drinking.

It's one of those bad thoughts.  That even though I was retching, sweating, and wishing I had never touched alcohol in my life I still thought 'at least I didn't consume of those calories'.

I'll try and get it together tomorrow.  Once I have recovered from the hangover. Eurgh.

Day Four: Guess what? I ate too much

Food Diary

My day started out almost healthily.  For breakfast I had some of my homemade bread, some sun-dried tomatoes, and some baked beans.  As well as some teas and coffees I was doing alright.  Then I arranged to meet some friends.

I don't know if anyone develops this awful relationship between going out and eating too much.  I'm sure loads of people overeat with friends, but not everyone starts to regret and actively avoid talking to friends in fear they will eat too much.  I'm not at that stage yet but I have to remind myself to avoid it.

For dinner I had a vegetarian hot dog with caramelised onions and some salad with some fries on the side.  I also had a 'long john ginger', ginger beer and rum, so good.  Later on I had a boring gin and tonic, which made me regret wasting the calories.

Finally I had chocolate ice lolly, too much sugar, at the cinema.

Day Three: Lets Analyse

I decided that for today I wouldn't count the calories in my food, but the nutrients.  It's something I've always known about, after all, it's hard to ignore the nutrients guide on everything in the supermarket. I've always avoided salt.  Partly because my body reacts badly to it and it can cause huge health problems, but many because I can easily get addicted to salt in the form of McCoy's crisps and 50p ramen packets, so it's better if I completely avoid it.  For someone who struggles with the balance of every other nutrient in my life I get very annoyed when I see internet health 'experts' encouraging diets full of salt because they're low fat, gluten free, vegan diet is so tasteless they need salt to taste anything.  Even more annoying when they could just use spices for once!  Seriously ginger, cinnamon, paprika, turmeric, they're the best. 

So for today I recorded everything I ate and then looked up what nutrients they gave me.  The results were not incredibly surprising but something I did really need to see.

fat	37.9g
sat fat	8.8g
carbohydrates	132.5g
sugars	94g
fibre	13g
protein	36.7g
salt	1.85g

The sugar was really surprising.   Before I even looked at the recommended amount of sugar I could tell I still had far too much.

The recommended nutrients (collected from various government agencies) is below.

fat	36-62g
sat fat	20g
carbohydrates	100-150g
sugars	30g
fibre	30g
protein	46g
salt	3.75g

So I need less way less sugar, way more fibre, and more protein.  Lots of beans and meat I guess? Might have to reconsider my accidental vegetarian diet.  

Day Two: Avoiding Obsession

I managed to not obsessively count calories today.  I mean I still kinda did... but not completely.  So instead of detailing my various neuroses and insecurities like yesterday, I'm going to write down my favourite smoothie recipes.  Just to remind myself how great smoothies are when I inevitably forget and not use my blend active machine for another year.

Today I had a rather sweet one with kiwi, frozen berries, banana, and a little water.  Other sweet favourites include banana, orange, a dash of ginger, and yogurt; berries, apple juice, grapes, and lemon.  Spinach, celery, and apple juice is the only low sugar mix I really like.

No matter how often people tell me smoothies are unhealthy, I still enjoy them.  I completely understand why people shouldn't live on them and so I have never tried to.  They are something I can always enjoy and it means I actually like my mornings.  Simple things, you know.

Day One: Definitely Not Dieting

I think I've done quite well today.  I did many things which a mature real life adult would do with some free time.  I can't say that a couple acts of simple self care have completely changed my life, yet, but I do feel good.  

I went swimming (the only exercise I enjoy), I baked fresh bread, and I got up before twelve, which is something I have been failing to do throughout most of the summer holidays, and I ate loads of fruits and vegetables.  I know this is how I should be treating myself but I have to remind myself this is for my mental health more than anything else, because if I don't I feel the bad habits creeping up on me again.  

This is my last long, luxurious, holiday when I won't have to work.   I know I'm blessed to have a couple months where you literally do nothing and can get away with waking up midday.  This was the first summer where I had a job and I loved the routine, and the money.  But then my bar work finished along with the Edinburgh Fringe and I lost all sense of time and importance.  For the last few years I have become so bored during the holidays that I inevitably become obsessed with something. It could be something like TV murder mystery reruns, or oil painting, but most of the time it's dieting. 

I develop impossible and unrealistic dreams of losing a quarter of my body weight and becoming skinny and pretty. It never works. Surprise.  Even if it did I know would still be insecure.  So this year I invented some different goals.  Mostly about noble things like self care, mental health, well being, but don't worry there's also some vacuous things.

1. Exercise everyday.

2. Eat fresh fruits and vegetables everyday.

3. Create art. 

4. Drink the water my body needs.

5. Read.

6. Get off my laptop.

7. Get bright shiny clear skin.

Many of these things could help me lose weight but that isn't what I'm trying for.  Instead I want to change my body in a different way to fit society's beauty standards for women, get rid of my spots.  This is a better aim for me.  It's achievable and I've done it before.  It makes me healthier and doesn't encourage my eating problems.  I think I know why I'm writing about this online now.  If I talk about not trying to lose weight to my friends and family, they're confused, rightly so.  I am obese. It's official, I checked my BMI yesterday.  So If I talk about self care and improvement they will  obviously wonder why I'm not trying to lose weight when girls like me should be desperate to.

Dieting makes everyone crazy but some people are better than hiding it than me.  Last time I tried to lose weight I lost a stone and half, then someone accused of me anorexia, because I refused to eat cheese at a party, and I then gained two stone back in one month.  

I felt the bad dieting thoughts today as I counted the calories in my food.  Controlling food and the calories they contain, even if it is just approximately, is satisfying but never ends well.  The one time I never look at calories in food is when I'm binge-ing.  Which also ends terribly.  I've counted my calories today but as I did I felt the bad thoughts develop in my head once again.  I'll try not to tomorrow.  Instead do the mature real life adult thing, I'll trust my sense of healthy and unhealthy.  Wish me luck.

The Stats

It should be so simple to look after yourself.  Just remember to eat right, talk to people, have fun, and regularly shower.  Yet if it was that simple why would me and my generation need to constantly remind ourselves about 'self care'?  I'm not here to philosophise about us being anxious confused stressballs because I know damn well why I don't look after myself.  I'm lazy and a little sad sometimes.  So I decided to challenge myself.  Follow the principles of self care and being a healthy adult for one whole week.

If I was confident about the way I looked I would make a vlog or photo diary but with my insecurity, that would never last.  I could lose three stone, or invest in some minor surgery, but I know that would never really work.  I have to try to be healthy.  Which is very hard for a lazy person like me.  But this is a start and I might well record my efforts and write about it, here.  I know I'm not inventing anything new, but I was never very good at traditional diaries.

Here are my current faults, states, problems, and general statistics.

Height: 5.4ft
Weight: 13.3st/187lbs (3st/42lbs overweight, yikes)
Age: 19
Weeks away from starting university: 2
Spots on my face: 9
Hours from last binge: 7
Last time I exercised: 5 weeks ago
Last time I met up with a friend: 4 weeks ago
Average water intake: 1ltr

That is it for now.  Tomorrow I'll follow up with calories, exercise, and the goals I'm going to set myself for this week.  I know it looks like I'm desperate to lose weight, and I am! Whenever I try to quickly lose weight and therefore change my life, it falls apart, and I end up gaining even more.  While I am trying to focus on my mental well being that isn't the only thing I'm trying to improve this week.  Instead of fat, lets try improving my skin.  It might fail but it would be a brand new failure in comparison to dieting so lets give it a go.