I think I've done quite well today. I did many things which a mature real life adult would do with some free time. I can't say that a couple acts of simple self care have completely changed my life, yet, but I do feel good.
I went swimming (the only exercise I enjoy), I baked fresh bread, and I got up before twelve, which is something I have been failing to do throughout most of the summer holidays, and I ate loads of fruits and vegetables. I know this is how I should be treating myself but I have to remind myself this is for my mental health more than anything else, because if I don't I feel the bad habits creeping up on me again.
This is my last long, luxurious, holiday when I won't have to work. I know I'm blessed to have a couple months where you literally do nothing and can get away with waking up midday. This was the first summer where I had a job and I loved the routine, and the money. But then my bar work finished along with the Edinburgh Fringe and I lost all sense of time and importance. For the last few years I have become so bored during the holidays that I inevitably become obsessed with something. It could be something like TV murder mystery reruns, or oil painting, but most of the time it's dieting.
I develop impossible and unrealistic dreams of losing a quarter of my body weight and becoming skinny and pretty. It never works. Surprise. Even if it did I know would still be insecure. So this year I invented some different goals. Mostly about noble things like self care, mental health, well being, but don't worry there's also some vacuous things.
1. Exercise everyday.
2. Eat fresh fruits and vegetables everyday.
3. Create art.
4. Drink the water my body needs.
5. Read.
6. Get off my laptop.
7. Get bright shiny clear skin.
Many of these things could help me lose weight but that isn't what I'm trying for. Instead I want to change my body in a different way to fit society's beauty standards for women, get rid of my spots. This is a better aim for me. It's achievable and I've done it before. It makes me healthier and doesn't encourage my eating problems. I think I know why I'm writing about this online now. If I talk about not trying to lose weight to my friends and family, they're confused, rightly so. I am obese. It's official, I checked my BMI yesterday. So If I talk about self care and improvement they will obviously wonder why I'm not trying to lose weight when girls like me should be desperate to.
Dieting makes everyone crazy but some people are better than hiding it than me. Last time I tried to lose weight I lost a stone and half, then someone accused of me anorexia, because I refused to eat cheese at a party, and I then gained two stone back in one month.
I felt the bad dieting thoughts today as I counted the calories in my food. Controlling food and the calories they contain, even if it is just approximately, is satisfying but never ends well. The one time I never look at calories in food is when I'm binge-ing. Which also ends terribly. I've counted my calories today but as I did I felt the bad thoughts develop in my head once again. I'll try not to tomorrow. Instead do the mature real life adult thing, I'll trust my sense of healthy and unhealthy. Wish me luck.
Food Diary
I started the day with a smoothie. Something food blogs warn me against because of the high amount of sugar. They just taste so good when you wake up. I might try one of those questionable celery shakes tomorrow. Eurgh.
Mixed berries, pear, and kiwi smoothie: 210 calories
My lunch meant to be Mediterranean inspired but just turned into a posh small fried breakfast.
A couple slices of homemade bread. Egg over easy. Fried onions and spiced tomatoes: 540
For tea I had a jacket sweet potato with roasted spiced pinto beans, onions, and tomatoes. You might notice, I really like tomatoes.
Jacket sweet potato: 520
I drank at least a litre of water throughout the day as well as some tea with milk and a couple cups of herbal teas 'Lady Grey' and 'Blue Jasmine'. I think I love black teas with romantic names even more than my old favourite peppermint.
Teas: 30
At the end of the day I had some shortbread. Freshly collected from the first class train by mum earlier this morning. My mum likes to maintain Scottish stereotypes by getting a free first class ticket, and then stealing as much shortbread from the first class lounge as possible. I feel childish indulging myself this evening. Shortbread is just really good.
White chocolate and raspberry shortbread: 180
Total: 1480 calories
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